


Sink and Settle

by AMidnightDreary



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Anxiety, Beginning of Recovery, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Loki is the more emotionally stable one for a change, M/M, Merman!Loki, Pre-Afghanistan, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony is 24 or something in this, and also this didn't turn out as happy and fluffy as I wanted because, but also fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 03:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16802518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AMidnightDreary/pseuds/AMidnightDreary
Summary: When Tony travels to Iceland, he doesn't really expect to leave again. Then he meets Loki, though, and that changes a lot of things.





	Sink and Settle

**Author's Note:**

> It was only a matter of time until I'd write a mermaid thing. So here it is, the mermaid thing. xD
> 
> And, let me tell you, the first draft of this was so much happier and lighter, BUT I edited it when I was a bit sad, so this happened. I think it's not nearly as angsty as it could have been, though, and there's still a great bit of fluff and these two idiots being in love with each other.
> 
> Still, here's the trigger warning if you missed it in the tags: there are suicidal thoughts in this. There's also a bit of recovery, but still. Stay safe. <3 
> 
> Please enjoy!

_Rolling over_

_the waves will_

_shoulder me under._

_Everything falls in a_

_tremendous shower,_

_dissolving me._

The Waves, Virginia Woolf

~~~

“You sleep here?”

“Yeah.” Tony hides his hands in his pockets and looks at Loki, who's staring at the bed with a mildly confused crease between his eyes.

“It looks soft”, he acknowledges eventually, cocking his head to one side.

“Yeah”, Tony says again. Loki looks at him, and Tony swallows and adds, “you don't have to sleep here. If you don't like it, we can find you something else. Still in this house, though. I mean, not that you're not allowed to leave, because you totally are, even though I -”

“Tony. You're rambling.”

Tony's mouth snaps shut, only to open again for him to say, “sorry.”

And Loki smiles at him. “I'd like to sleep here.”

“Okay”, Tony breathes, and watches as Loki sits down on the bed. He bounces a little, his smile widening into a grin.

“This is nice”, he says after a moment, his hands sliding over the covers. He quickly looks up again, though, his eyes searching Tony's. “You'll stay, yes?”

“I'm not going anywhere.” Tony sits down next to Loki. He can't keep his eyes off him.

Loki's still wrapped into the blanket Tony has given him. His hair is damp and messy, curling against his shoulders. Tony stares at those curls, wondering how Loki's hair will look when it's completely dry. He's never seen that before. Loki looks also tired – god, so tired; he looks as if he's had the most exhausting day week _l_ _ife_ ever. Which, to be fair, is sort of true.

“Are you alright?”, Loki asks, watching Tony out of concerned and unusually uncertain looking eyes.

“Are _you_ alright?”, Tony counters.

“Yes.” Loki looks down at his toes and wriggles them, smiling softly. Tiredly. He rakes his fingers through his hair, brushing it out of his face.

And Tony notes that Loki's ears are still pointy.

~~~

“You're doing it wrong.”

Tony, breathing harshly and already annoyed by whoever was criticizing him there, looked up. And then he almost had a heart attack, because he only now realized that someone criticizing him _here_ was, well, more or less impossible. Should be, anyway – hell, he'd _come here_ so that no one could criticize him, ever again. And so far no one had, of course no one had; he was the only human within a radius of who knew how many miles.

Well, until now.

Tony recovered quickly, like he always does.

“Where the fuck did you come from?”

The man's arms were resting casually on the ledge of Tony's small sailboat, and he was looking at Tony with open curiosity and amusement. As if it was totally normal to cling to a boat that was already a mile or so away from the coast, in water that was _definitely_ too cold to swim in.

“I've been following you for a while now”, the man answered, baring white teeth that looked oddly... sharp? “You haven't moved that far in the last twenty minutes, though.”

Yup.

Totally normal.

“Uh, is this sorta thing something you do often?”, Tony asked, straightening himself without letting go of the rope he'd been trying to fasten _wherever_ it needed to be fastened. “Like, swimming around out here and scaring the shit out of sailors?”

The grin widened. “Quite often, yes. But I don't think you have earned that title yet. ”

 _Whatever._ Tony leaned down again and made a knot. “Are you canoeing or something?”

A black eyebrow quirked up. “No. That knot won't hold very long, I'm afraid.”

“Look, I didn't ask you for advice. Go swim back to wherever you came from and leave me alone.”

“The wind is not in your favor in the moment”, the stranger mused, resting his chin on his arms. He spoke with a weird accent; similar to the way other Icelanders speak English, but not _quite_ the same. “And you don't know how to sail.”

“I know how to sail, thank you very much. Who the fuck are you, anyway?”

“You may call me Loki.”

“Loki”, Tony repeated. “Right. And why aren't you gone yet?”

“It will be getting dark soon”, Loki said, still smiling. “And you have been out here for hours already. I could help; _I_ know how to sail.”

Tony let out a breath and studied Loki, who just kept looking at him expectantly. Eventually, Tony threw up his hands – because, fine, he had no idea what he was doing. He'd never learned how to sail, but he was a goddamn genius, so how hard could it be, right? That was what he'd thought, anyway. By now, he'd halfway prepared himself for spending the night on his little boat. So he could really use some help, and letting a weird swimming smartass into his boat wasn't the stupidest thing he'd ever done. And hey, there was still the chance that Loki was a hallucination and he'd just poof out of sight as quickly as he'd appeared.

“You know what, fine. You can sail, you say? Then hop in and do your thing, I'll just have a drink in the meantime.”

“I'm afraid that won't be possible”, Loki said. “But I can instruct you from here, if you'd like?”

He supported himself on the ledge of the boat and hauled himself up until he came to sit on the edge. The boat tilted dangerously to his side, water splashing into it, but Tony barely noticed. He just stared at Loki, who grinned back at him as if he'd just told the funniest joke ever and was now waiting for the reaction of the audience – Loki, whose upper body was, yes, definitely male, and who was definitely _not human_ from the waist down. There was lot of black scales, shimmering green in the last sunlight of the day. It looked as if they were wandering up his sides until they eventually merged with pale skin. Tony could see a few more on his shoulders and arms, now that he actually looked at him.

“Staring is rude, I've heard”, Loki said, and Tony blinked and tried to shut his gaping mouth. He continued staring as Loki raked his fingers through tousled, wet and black hair, plucking some sort of sea weed out of it before tucking it behind his ear.

“You”, Tony said, “you, uh – you have -”

“Yes?”

“Uhm.” Tony cleared his throat and gestured at his own head. “Pointy ears.”

~~~

“I can't stop looking at them”, Loki tells him. He's lying on his back by now, his legs in the air as he studies them. “What are those for? I think I've never asked.”

“Toes?”, Tony asks. He's on his back next to Loki, watching him closely. He can see that Loki is tired, but Tony knows better than anyone else how it is after an exciting (exhausting) day like this one – sleep often comes only reluctantly, if at all.

“Yes. You have them too, don't you?”

“Sure.” Tony laughs and lifts his own feet from the bed, showing Loki his toes. “I think they're for balance or something.”

“Balance”, Loki repeats. “Like fins then, probably.”

“Uh, yeah. Probably.”

“Odd.” Loki lets his legs drop on the bed. “This will take some time getting used to.”

Tony swallows thickly, rendered serious immediately. “Loki”, he says, “do you – I mean, are you really -”

“Sure? Yes.”

“But did you -”

“Want this? Yes.” Loki nudges Tony with his newly discovered toes. “I wouldn't be here otherwise, Tony. You know me well enough to be aware of that.”

“I am”, Tony assures him. “It was just very, you know, uh -”

“Sudden.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you not want me here?”, Loki asks, staring at the ceiling. It sounds far too casual.

“Of _course_ I want you here”, Tony says immediately. “I'm really fucking happy you're here, and that you want to stay. I just – I mean, you gave up everything you had, for this.”

When Loki looks at him, his eyes are the same green they've always been. “For you”, he corrects.

“For me”, Tony nods, “yes. And I am – I'm a mess, Loki, you know that. I'm ... I'm not really worth it, you know.”

“Say something like that again and I will bite you.”

Tony smiles. “Your teeth aren't sharp anymore, you know.”

Loki blinks at him, then frowns, then lifts his hand to run his thumb over his teeth. “Oh. Well, I'm sure it can still hurt.”

“Kissing will be a lot easier.”

Loki laughs.

~~~

Loki's laugh sounds like the sea. It's the splashing of water against the hulk of Tony's boat, the whispering of waves against the shore. Loki's laugh is deep and lovely and frightening, and in the beginning Tony never knew if Loki laughed with him or about him.

He still fell in love a little, the first time he heard it.

“What are those?”, Loki asked, watching and laughing as Tony let the weights sink into the water.

“These”, Tony said, “will keep you from sinking my boat.”

Loki raised a brow. Tony just smirked and went over to the other side of the boat, finding Loki already waiting for him. (He was a very good and fast swimmer and diver. Unsurprisingly.) He clung to the low railing and propped himself up, his ever so curious gaze following Tony's every move.

“And that?”

“What does it look like?”, Tony grunted, struggling to get the small, wooden raft into the water.

Loki had moved away a bit to give him the space he needed and was now watching as Tony fastened the raft to the boat. When Tony was done and beckoned him closer, Loki approached the raft again, needing only one halfhearted flap of his tail. Tony would never grow tired of seeing that, he thought. He'd never seen all of Loki's tail, unfortunately, since they'd only met on the open sea so far and getting Loki into the boat wasn't really an option. His tail was, including the fins, almost as long as Tony is high, and they probably wouldn't be able to get Loki _out of_ the boat again.

“I'm tired of you getting water into my boat all the time”, Tony complained while jumping out of the boat and onto the raft. “Everything is always wet. _I_ am always wet.”

“You say that as if it is a bad thing.” Loki took hold of the raft and hauled himself up to sit down next to Tony. His tail flapped a little beneath them until he was in a comfortable position, and of course Tony got some water into his face in the process.

He shivered a little – the water was freaking cold out here – and used his sleeve to dry his face. “Not everyone is half fish, Lokes.”

Loki sniffed. “Being dry all the time must be awful. I'm just trying to help.”

“You're trying to piss me off, that's all.“

Loki grinned, showing pearly white and indeed sharp teeth, and didn't bother to deny anything. He watched as Tony rolled up his pants before flinging his legs off the raft and into the water.

“Shitshitshitshit, _god_ , okay. Cold. Fucking hell. How can you _live_ in this?”

Loki, the bastard, only laughed and naturally ignored the glare Tony threw in his direction. “Can you swim?”

“Sure.” Tony snorted. “Not here, though. Or, well, I could, but not dressed like this.”

“Too cold?”

“Yup.”

“Pity”, Loki murmured, but before Tony could comment on the odd tone Loki added, “you made this for me?”

“No, for the ten other mermaids I'm meeting in my free time.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Who is trying to piss off who now?”

“I'm not trying, I'm succeeding.”

“Well, everyone must be good at something.”

Tony huffed a laugh. “Yeah, pissing people off is something I'm definitely good at.”

Something nudged his legs, and maybe Tony would have flinched if he hadn't been seen Loki's tail move beneath them. He hadn't ever touched Loki's scales before – somehow he felt like asking to would be rude, and the last thing he wanted was to scare off his mildly arrogant and frightening, but absolutely fascinating merman-friend.

“I was joking, Tony”, Loki said, his tone unusually soft.

“Yeah, I know.” Tony put on a grin, and by the looks of him Loki could immediately tell that it wasn't heartfelt.

“I'll be right back”, he said and, without further ado, slid into the water.

“Okay?”, Tony said, frowning at the spot where Loki had just disappeared. He hadn't even splashed water at Tony this time, even though he usually never missed a chance to make Tony wet.

Tony waited, only a bit anxiously, for Loki to show up again. It didn't take long until the black-haired head surfaced again. Loki grinned at Tony and brushed his hair out of his face, and then he laboriously hovered something onto the raft. He didn't say anything; he always needed a bit of time to switch over from sea mode to land mode, as he'd once explained. Tony could watch Loki's second eye lids retract and the gills at both sides of his rib cage flutter a little before the merman took a first, deep breath of air with his lungs.

“That's my bucket”, Tony stated.

“Yes.” Loki turned the bucket around and shook it a little, making wet sand fall out of it.

“What the hell, Loki?”, Tony asked, more confused then annoyed, as Loki spread the sand over the raft. “What are you doing?”

“Making my place more comfortable, of course.”

“With sand.”

“What else would I use?”

Tony blinked. “When did you steal my bucket?”

Loki only grinned at him, took the bucket and plunged again, probably to get more sand.

~~~

When Tony wakes up the next morning, he doesn't know when they fell asleep. He does know, however, whose body is curled up against his side and whose breath he's feel ing on his skin, and that immediately makes him wide awake. He doesn't dare to move, though, because judging by his even breaths and the relaxed and heavy arm resting on Tony's stomach Loki's still fast asleep. And so Tony just stays as he is, lying on his back, and stares at the ceiling.

He panics a little, just because he can, and because Loki is right there and has legs and can walk around from now on. He panics because Loki, technically, doesn't even exist, and because he has no idea how to explain to Obie why his boyfriend lacks a last name and a pass and a whole identity. He panics because Loki will never be able to live in the sea again, even though he loves it so much, and he panics because he's selfish enough to be happy about that. He panics because he is in love, and because Loki is in love with him, too, and because he is happy and doesn't know what to do with that.

Jarvis would tell him what to do. He'd know.

After minutes or hours, like hell Tony knows, Loki moves beside him. He grumbles a little and shifts and eventually buries his face in the crook of Tony's neck.

“Morning, sunshine”, Tony says, feeling like his voice is too loud in the otherwise silent room.

“Mhh.”

“You okay?”

“Mhhm.” It sounds like a positive _mhhm_ , but then Loki whines faintly and presses his face a bit more firmly against Tony's skin. “I think my foot is dying”, he murmurs, his voice muffled and a bit strained.

Tony blinks at the ceiling, and then he lifts his head, making Loki huff in mild annoyance because he can't hide his face in Tony's neck anymore. He very quickly finds an alternative, though, and turns his head into the pillow.

“Your left?”, Tony asks.

“Mhhm.”

Tony snorts and takes his own leg off Loki's left foot. Somehow their limbs got entangled during the night, apparently. “It's not dying.”

“It's numb”, Loki says into the pillow. Tony rolls his eyes and prods his favorite drama queen's foot with his own. Loki makes a protesting and accusing sound. “It's _tingling._ ”

“It's just gone to sleep, Grumpy. Happens when there's not enough blood in it. You'll survive.”

Loki sighs tragically, but at least shows his face again. Tony snorts again, because Loki looks goddamn adorable, even when he's glaring at him. “Having legs is already exhausting.”

Tony's amusement fades at once. His eyes skitter away from Loki's face, unable to hold his gaze, and -

“ _Ouch,_ Loki, what the fuck? Did you just -”

“I told you I would bite you.”

“I didn't even say anything”, Tony snaps and rubs his shoulder where he _swears_ he can feel the imprint of Loki's teeth.

Loki just laughs and presses his lips to the spot he's just bitten into. Tony can feel him smiling against his skin. “I am happy to be here”, Loki says quietly. “Even though my foot is dying.”

“It's not dying”, Tony tells him again, his tone matching Loki's whisper.

Loki shifts again, and after a moment he's propped himself up on one elbow and is looking down at Tony with one of his slightly disconcerting and definitely wonderful smirks. Tony raises his brows, but Loki just shrugs and shakes his head.

Tony realizes that his hair is dry, and that it is, interestingly, curly. Well, a little. It's certainly wavy. And it looks softer than it has any right to after all those years swimming and living in salt water. He reaches out and cards his fingers through the raven strands, and before long he's pulling Loki down to bring their lips together.

It's their first kiss since Loki almost drowned.

~~~

“I'm not really sure if this is a good idea”, Tony protested weakly, for the approximately twentieth time.

“Since when are you such a coward?”, Loki replied, also for the approximately twentieth time.

“Could you stop trying to manipulate me into this?”

“I'm not trying, I'm succeeding”, Loki said, and it sounded dubiously like an imitation of Tony's voice. “In fact, I have already succeeded.”

Tony glared at his friend and clung to the surfboard he was kneeling on. He'd ordered it last week, from the guy who brought his weekly supplies and told him that “this isn't really a safe place to surf, sir.”

Yeah, no shit.

But well, Loki had been wanting to get him into the water for weeks now, and Tony found that he couldn't deny him anything. Especially not when Loki looked at him with his own version of puppy eyes – which had nothing at all in common with puppy eyes, mind you; because Loki's version consisted of a challenging smile and mischief in his eyes. And since Tony had never been one to step down from a challenge, he had agreed to this; which was the reason he was now wearing an unexpectedly comfy neoprene suit and kneeling on this surfboard, his sailboat so far away already that he could barely see it anymore.

He'd been on a surfboard before, that wasn't the problem. He wasn't unbearably cold anymore, either, which was also nice. He just wasn't _entirely_ sure if trusting Loki was the best idea he'd ever had. Everyone knew the stories of sirens and drowning sailors, right? Tony didn't actually feel like playing the sailor in that tale. He'd meant to do it differently.

“I'm not planning to kill you, Tony”, Loki said dryly, his voice carrying over the sound of wind and waves.

“That's something a killer would say”, Tony said.

Loki only shot him an exasperated look. He was holding onto the board with one hand while getting them forward with his tail. The sea was churning today, but Loki didn't seem to be bothered by that in the slightest. He swam like he always swam, confident and euphoric, even when the streaming was so fierce and chaotic that it should have thrown him off track. But it seemed that Loki felt even more comfortable in these circumstances than when the sea was calm and content, which was no wonder, really. Loki was fierce and chaotic himself, after all.

He steered Tony's surfboard with (obviously) inhuman finesse, shielding him from the waves and taking care that he stayed on the board. Loki moved with a grace that was almost unfair – no living being had the right to be that _stunning_ , okay? – while Tony couldn't do anything but cling to his damned board, because the waves were far too moody for him to even try to stand on it.

“Where are you taking me?”, Tony asked, not for the first time. He wasn't sure what made Loki answer now; maybe his increasingly pissed off tone.

“I want to show you my home”, the merman said, throwing a broad smile in his direction.

“Your home?”, Tony repeated. “But -”

“We're almost there”, Loki interrupted him.

Tony sighed, but decided not to ask any more questions. He was having a particularly bad day today and not even spending time with Loki had cheered him up, even though it usually did. He wasn't really in the mood for expeditions like this, not when the weather was this shitty, but it wasn't like he could take Loki home and curl up on the sofa with him. So that was why he was here, wet and cold and grumpy and in company of a merman who he couldn't _have_ , anyway.

Eventually, Loki stopped moving. He'd brought to the coast again, almost dangerously close to the cliffs that were now lurking above them. The rock formations around them were shrouded in mist that the early morning had left here and forgotten, and not even the waves crashing against the rocks could dispel it.

“Please tell me this isn't your home”, Tony called to Loki, making himself be heard despite the blustering waves.

“No”, Loki called back, smiled at him, and flipped the surfboard over.

It caught Tony off-guard, and he didn't even have a chance to try to take hold of the board again before a wave crashed down onto him and pushed him down. He couldn't see anything, only grey and black and white, and soon he couldn't even tell up from down anymore. He didn't panic, even though he knew he should panic because he certainly wasn't fighting to get to the surface again. Suddenly something grabbed his arm and pulled, the grip of a hand around his wrist firm and cold, like iron. And all at once the sea around him stilled. The water that had been tearing him apart only seconds ago was now gently tugging at him, making it feel as if he was floating in nothingness rather than falling without a parachute.

He was still drowning, of course. Tony was pretty sure that there was water in his mouth and throat and maybe even in his lungs. His eyes were burning, just like his throat and chest, and he still couldn't see more than vague shadows and a faint light somewhere above him. Sound was muffled and gurgling, and he couldn't be sure if it even existed down here. If it was just the result of mere echoes and memories, Tony wouldn't have been surprised.

The iron grip returned before Tony even noticed it had disappeared, but now he didn't feel it on his wrists, but on his face. There were two hands cupping his cheeks, fingers with thin membranes between them, and Tony absentmindedly noted that they felt colder than they usually did. In fact, everything felt colder than it usually did. Then, he was distracted by a flash of concerned, green eyes directly in front of him – and Loki's eyes were like the sea, too, weren't they? – and then something that felt like a smile was pressed against his lips, coaxing them to open. No water and no salt found its way into his lungs, this time; instead there was air. Oxygen was something Tony had forgotten he needed, but it tasted sweet, almost sweeter than the kiss.

Because it _was_ a kiss, since Loki didn't pull away after giving Tony enough air for at least a minute. He seemed to press closer, even, his mouth moving softly and gently against Tony's own, careful that Tony's lips didn't get caught between sharp teeth. Loki breathed for him again, and again and again, never breaking the kiss, before he eventually pulled back and grabbed Tony's wrist a second time. Loki began swimming, then, dragging Tony with him and pulling him into another kiss whenever it was needed. When they kissed, Tony could feel Loki's tail wrap around him, keeping him close.

And even though Tony didn't have any idea what was going on, even though he knew he'd nearly drowned, he felt oddly, stupidly, completely safe.

~~~

Tony only just manages to catch Loki before he falls. He's already laughing when he slings his arms around Loki's waist and pulls him onto his feet again, with Loki clinging to his shoulders and huffing in annoyance.

“You okay?”, Tony asks, still laughing and only mildly concerned.

“I can't even walk.”

“Of course you can. You just got out of bed too fast, happens to all of us.” Slowly, Tony takes his hands off Loki's body, smiling widely when Loki stays on his feet. “See? You just need a bit of practice.”

Loki looks down at his feet and hums. His toes curl against the wooden floor. “You promised me water.”

“Yeah, right. Come on, then.”

They get to the bathroom slowly – too slowly for Loki's taste, Tony can tell – but steadily, with Tony making sure that Loki doesn't fall. He still isn't used to his new legs, but it works already better than yesterday. He can actually make a few steps without Tony's help, looking at Tony with a proud grin when he arrives at the sink and supports himself on it.

“You'll have the hang of it in no time”, Tony says with a smile of his own. He feels a bit awkward, and even though he's doing his best to hide it, he's pretty sure that Loki can tell. Loki can always tell.

“Of course”, Loki agrees, that arrogant tone Tony's already used to coloring his voice. He rolls his eyes, even though he loves it and is pretty sure that Loki can tell that, too.

“Do you want a bath or a shower?”, Tony asks, watching as Loki discovers the large mirror.

“I do not know what you mean by either of that”, Loki says absently. He leaves one hand on the sink to steady himself and taps against the glass of the mirror with the other, curious as always. He's got it figured out pretty quickly. Grinning, he touches his teeth like he did earlier already. “This is somewhat strange.”

Tony, who's started drawing a bath for them, agrees with a hum. “Why have you lost your teeth but kept the ears?”

Loki shrugs. “How should I know? I also lost the membranes and second eye lids, as it seems. Maybe she thought they would catch more attention than the ears.”

Unable to stay away any longer, Tony takes the few steps across the bathroom and hugs Loki from behind. Loki has seen him coming through the mirror and is still watching him, so Tony buries his face in his neck. Loki's skin and hair still smell like the ocean.

“Is something wrong?”, Loki asks softly, his hands coming up to touch Tony's hands where they are resting on his stomach.

“'m fine.”

“Tony”, Loki says, and there's that slightly threatening note Tony is used to by now, too.

“I'm okay”, he insists, kissing Loki's neck. “Really.”

Loki doesn't seem convinced, but he lets it go. He allows Tony to lead him to the tub and help him get into it. Tony undresses and sits down behind Loki, his legs on each side of Loki's body.

“Question”, he says.

Loki just hums, distracted by splashing around with the water as he is. If he's bothered by the hot temperature, he doesn't show it, which Tony is secretly relieved about. He knows that Loki's used to the coldness of the Icelandic sea, after all.

“Why are your legs so fucking long?”

“Because I was meant to be taller than you.”

Tony grumbles, but he wraps his arms around Loki and pulls him against his chest. He smirks when he hears Loki's breath hitch at the sudden closeness. The former merman's hands still. Tony brushes Loki's hair out of the way and lets his lips wander down Loki's neck, beginning directly behind one of his pointy ears. He can feel Loki's shiver, just like he can feel the goosebumps his fingers leave wherever they gently scrape over Loki's upper body. Soon enough Loki is positively melting into him, and Tony's enjoying himself immensely. It's a bit strange, the absolute lack of scales and gills, but the amount of pale and smooth skin makes up for it. Tony finds that Loki is as gorgeous as he's always been, which really shouldn't be surprising.

“I think I have just discovered one of the perks of being human below the waist as well”, Loki murmurs suddenly, his voice low and a bit breathless. His hands are on Tony's legs by now, his fingernails – that thankfully aren't as sharp anymore as they've once been – digging into the flesh of Tony's thighs.

“Really?”, Tony says, grinning against Loki's skin. “I haven't even touched you yet.”

“Then get on with it”, Loki demands, making Tony laugh.

He's fine, he thinks. He's actually, truly fine, this time.

~~~

Tony waited for Loki on the raft. He was wearing his neoprene suit, prepared for another possible visit to Loki's home, and his legs were dangling in the water as he watched the sea. It was oddly calm today. Loki was late, which wasn't unusual, because he couldn't really keep an eye on the time in his grotto. Well, he could, technically, and just didn't bother to.

“You're late”, Tony told him when Loki's head finally emerged from the water.

“I'm never late”, Loki countered. He was grinning already, and Tony couldn't help but grin back.

Loki quickly swam toward the raft and latched unto it, meeting Tony in a kiss. Tony's hand immediately came up to Loki's neck to pull him closer. He could feel Loki's grin softening into a smile and then disappear completely when the kiss deepened, leaving them both panting a little when they eventually parted. Loki was sitting next to him on the raft by now, his tail pressed against Tony's legs. He could feel the merman's lips on his cheek, then on his jaw, and finally wandering down his neck to the collar of the suit. Loki liked to kiss him, as it had turned out, and not just on the lips, but on every possible spot of skin he could reach. The occasional scrape of sharp teeth wasn't something Tony was bothered by, just like he didn't at all mind the way Loki's black and equally sharp nails felt on his body.

Eventually, Loki looked at him again and touched his forehead to Tony's. His content and a bit mischievous gaze quickly turned worried as soon as their eyes met. Tony wanted to look away, but Loki had already cradled his jaw with gentle, but firm fingers and didn't let him turn away.

“Are you alright?”, he asked.

“Yeah”, Tony answered. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

Loki frowned a little. “Do you want to-“

“I said I'm fine.“

Loki let go off his jaw, his tail flapping in a way that Tony had learned to identify as annoyed and/or concerned. He let it go, though, even though it was obvious that he wasn't buying it. His hands found Tony's and laced their fingers together, at least as far as it was possible with the membranes between Loki's digits. Tony turned and buried his face in Loki's wet hair, breathing in the smell of salt and sea. He felt Loki's lips on his forehead, and for a while they just sat there. Tony couldn't say how much time had passed when he eventually pulled away.

“Are there more of you?”, he asked, knowing he'd caught Loki by surprise when his eyebrows shot up.

“More of me?”

“Yeah. You know. Merpeople.”

“Oh”, Loki said, turning away to look at the horizon. “Yes.”

“Oh”, Tony echoed. That wasn't quite the answer he'd wanted, and that immediately caused him to feel bad. “Cool. So is there a city or something? Like, Atlantis?”

“There is”, Loki said, smirking a little. “They call it Asgard.“

“Asgard”, Tony repeated. “Okay, that's – wait. They?”

“Yes, they.”

Tony blinked and stared at his friend slash lover, realizing that now Loki was the one who didn't really want to talk about something, for a change. And because Tony was Tony and not Loki and couldn't just let things go, he couldn't help but ask, “why aren't you living there?”

“They cast me out”, Loki said lightly. “Many years ago. It's nothing of importance.”

Tony frowned. “If I asked why, would you tell me?”

“Probably.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Loki looked at him again, brows raised, but Tony just shrugged.

“Look, I don't – I don't really mind if you.... I don't know, did anything. I don't care. I mean, it's not that I'm not curious, 'cause I am. So, if you want to talk about it, fine, I'm good at listening. No, okay, that was a lie. I suck at listening. But you can still talk about it, that'd be fine with me, that's what I'm saying. I -”

“Tony. You're rambling.”

“Sorry.”

Loki laughed softly and leaned in again, pressing his lips to Tony's in a brief and unusually chaste kiss. “You don't need to worry, love”, he told Tony. “I can see reason in the decision they made; Asgard has never been the right place for me. And I still speak to my mother, now and then. Right now, everything is fine as it is.“

Tony swallowed.

_Love._

Okay, then.

~~~

Loki looks absolutely ridiculous in Tony's clothes, but it isn't like he's bothered by something that. He doesn't mind that the sweatpants and the sleeves of the hoodie are far too short or that none of Tony's shoes fit him.

Especially not now, when he's being distracted by the forest around him.

The small, but luxurious cabin Tony lives in during his stay in Iceland lies deep in the woods, hidden between high firs. The drive to the beach takes almost two hours, which has struck Tony as immensely annoying the last months. He doesn't know if Loki witnessed anything of their surroundings when they drove to the cabin yesterday, his whole attention fixed on a) Tony and b) his new legs the entire time. But now that he isn't as exhausted anymore and has gotten used to said legs at least a little bit, he seems completely awestruck by the fact that he is actually _on land._

Tony watches him. He watches as Loki lets his hands wander over rocks and the bark of trees, as he smells at leaves and lets soil run through his fingers. Tony watches his sea-like eyes and wide smile and the way he stumbles now and then, whenever he forgets how to use his legs for a moment.

Tony thinks about New York. About glass and stone and metal, and about buildings that cover the sky. He can't imagine Loki there.

He can't make Loki live there.

He knows he's panicking again - panicking because he isn't as happy and thankful as he should be, this time. And now, just this once, Loki doesn't notice. Not immediately, at least. He turns around to him too late, looks at him only when Tony already feels like he's drowning, much more so than that one time he was _actually_ drowning.

He turns around, turns away from Loki and his eyes and already fading grin, and he tries to pull himself together and not freak out for once, but how can he -

“Tony?”

How can he take Loki with him? How could he do that to him? But he can't leave him here, either, and he himself can't stay. Not forever, anyway, because he'd go insane here just like Loki would go insane in a city like New York.

He's more than half insane already, though, unlike Loki.

Behind him, Loki curses in a language Tony doesn't know. When he snaps out of his haze and turns around, he sees Loki on the ground, trying to get up. Tony rushes towards him and falls on his knees himself.

“Sorry, sorry, hey, you okay?”

“I'm fine”, Loki says, smiling at Tony as he cleans his hands from soil. “You aren't, though.”

“I am.”

“No.“

“Yes.“

Loki quirks a brow.

“Fine“, Tony amends, making a face. “No.“

Loki's expression turns soft. “Do you want to tell me why?“

Tony just stares at him, and eventually Loki pulls him into a hug. It takes only a moment until Tony melts into it, wrapping his arms around Loki in return and resting his head on his shoulders. Loki's hands are rubbing Tony's back in slow circles.

“I can't take you to New York“, Tony says eventually, his voice not more than a whisper.

“So?“

“Loki, I - I can't do that.“

“Yes, I understood.“ Loki pulls back only just enough to look into his eyes. “Where will we go instead, then?“

“Instead?“, Tony echoes flatly.

Loki hums. “I would like to live near the ocean, naturally. But if you don't deem that possible, I could content myself with a lake of sorts.“

Tony falls on his butt, stunned.

~~~

  
“Do you still want to do it?“

They were in Loki's grotto, lying between rocks on the sand that covered the ground of it. Tony felt sleepy and content, enjoying the soft whooshing of waves in the entrance of the grotto as well as the certainly that Loki was right there, next to him. The merman was lying on his side, the better part of his tail in the water surging at their feet and fins, respectively. Tony could positively feel his green eyes watching him.

“Do what?“, Tony asked, not bothering to open his eyes to look at Loki.

“Take your life.“

All at once, Tony's world crumbled apart. His eyes snapped open as he turned his head to stare at Loki, speechless for more than just a brief moment. Loki was looking back at him, the look in his eyes calm, even though somewhat concerned.

“We do not have to talk about it“, Loki said softly. “You don't have to tell me anything. I would just like to know if you still think about doing it. Because I can't really tell.“

Tony sat up. His hands clung to the wet fabric of his suit, feeling oddly numb. There was a lump in his throat that didn't go away, no matter how often he tried to swallow it down.

“How - how did you -“

“We can feel it“, Loki said, propping himself up on his elbows. “There's a reason your folk associates mine with melancholy and death.“

“I didn't want you to know.“ It was meant to be a snarl, but it only came out as a weak whisper.

“I know. I'm sorry; you hid it well, but not well enough.“

_Not well enough._

Of course not well enough.

Tony suppressed a gasp, almost choked on it, and ignored that his nails were digging into his thighs almost painfully by now. Something hot and cruel found its way from his chest up to his throat, and for a second he felt like retching.

“So that's why you came, then“, he said, this time managing to sound just as acid as he wanted. “You knew that I - and you want me to -“

“No“, Loki interrupted him, his voice firm, but not firm enough to mask his sudden fright. He grabbed Tony's arm and pulled himself up, pressing as closely as possible against Tony's body. “No, Tony, of course not. That is the last thing I want.“

“Then why are you here?“

“You know why“, Loki replied simply, planting a kiss on Tony's shoulder.

Tony could feel it, even through the damned suit he was wearing, and he thought about the many times Loki had called him _love_ . As if Tony had done anything to earn that. He also thought about his parents, whose deaths still hurt even though that had happened years ago and they'd never been particularly good parents; and he thought about Jarvis, whose death almost hurt more than theirs had ever had, not only because he'd died only a few months before. Then there was Obie and the business, which was all Obie really cared for, Tony knew. The business that he was meant to take over now, should have taken over already years ago and _would_ have taken over if he hadn't been busy partying and drinking and becoming the fucking mess that he now was. He thought about Rhodey, who was his first and pretty much only friend and who he hadn't spoken to in ages, who didn't even _know_ that he was here, in the middle of nowhere in Iceland, of all places. He remembered Obie's face when he'd told him about this, remembered the smile and the clap on the back and the words Obie had said, unknowing that the only reason Tony had wanted to take a hiatus was because he was planning to never come back.

He'd always been a failure, would always be a failure, but Stark men were made of iron and so Tony had made his decision, knowing that no one would be particularly bothered.

His parents were dead. Jarvis was dead. Obie would take over the business like he'd always wanted. Rhodey probably wasn't even thinking about him anymore my now. And Loki -

Loki was there, right now, right next to him, and he'd somehow managed to pull Tony down into the sand again. He just wrapped his arms and tail around Tony when he curled in on himself, unbothered by the way Tony was shaking. Loki held him close and safe, pressed against his chest, and listened as Tony panted and sobbed and keened - listened as Tony told him how many _possibilities_ he'd seen. Pills and kitchen knifes and ropes and the sea, _god_ , the sea.

When he was done, when he couldn't even cry or think anymore, Loki still called him _love_ . He told him a story, too - something about a coronation and high treason that Tony didn't fully understand, but didn't need to understand to get what Loki was saying, anyway. He told Tony about his life _before_ Tony. He said that he'd known that Tony still hadn't been completely sure when they'd first met, had still been contemplating the hows and whens, and that Loki had hoped Tony would stay alive long enough for them to get to know each other. He told him, laughing quietly against Tony's skin, that teaching him to sail had been the most fun he'd ever had, even though he'd been a miserable student. Loki told him that the small wooden raft fastened to Tony's boat was paradise, and that Tony felt more like home than anything else had ever had.

And when he asked if Tony still wanted to do it, Tony hesitated, but eventually said no. And he wasn't even lying, even though he knew that a small nudge would be enough to make him fall off the ledge again.

“I don't want to leave you“, he said then, his voice hoarse and quiet from crying.

“You won't have to“, was all Loki said.

~~~

“I can't believe _you_ are teaching _me_ how to swim”, Loki says (whines) as they wade through the water back to the beach. “My brother would never let me live that down.”

“Yeah”, Tony agrees, grinning. “I'll never let you live that down, either.”

Loki darts an impressive glare at Tony before he lets himself fall into the wet sand. He writhes a little, stretching his legs into the water surging around his feet, and turns his face toward the sun with closed eyes. Tony sits down next to him, still smiling. He watched Loki lazing around like this a few times when he still had his tail – watched Loki sleep, even, curled up to a ball and half buried in the sand in his little grotto. Now, with legs and in a pair of Tony's swim trunks – he absolutely refused to wear a neoprene suit, even though he isn't much less sensible to the cold than Tony, now – looking at Loki isn't any less nice, Tony finds.

It's their last day in Iceland. Their last day on this beach, only a few steps away from where Loki set his feet on land for the very first time.

“Do you miss it?”, Tony asks, and Loki opens one eye to look up at him.

“What?”

Tony pokes Loki's thigh. “Your fishy half.”

“Oh”, Loki makes and closes his eye again. “Yes. But I do not mind having legs. Not at all.”

Tony nods, even though Loki can't see it. He draws irregular patterns into the wet sand, his eyes fixed on the horizon.

“What's on your mind?”, Loki asks after quite some time.

Tony frowns and looks at him, finding Loki watching him. He shrugs and turns to the sea again. Loki waits patiently until Tony eventually gives in.

“Can you still feel it?”

He doesn't need to explain what he means. Loki slowly sits up next to him. “Yes.”

Tony swallows.” But I – I'm not -”

“Something like that doesn't just disappear, love”, Loki says, briefly pressing his lips to Tony's cheek. “Those sentiments will never fully leave you.”

“Great”, Tony says dryly. “I've always wanted a life supply of shitty thoughts.”

“Congratulations, then.”

The teasing tony makes Tony laugh, and he turns his head to kiss the other man. Loki doesn't miss a beat, kissing right back. It's soft and gentle, something Tony still isn't completely used to.

Eventually they part, and Tony asks, “what should I do?”

“That depends solely on what you want to do, I think.”

Tony sighs, thinking about Obie and the business, the damned business, and Loki kisses him again, only briefly this time. Tony looks at him, then.

“And you?”

“Me?”

“What do you want?”, Tony says. “You don't have to... I mean, you could go anywhere you want, now.”

“I'd like to go with you.” Loki grins one of his crooked grins that _scream_ mischief, and he looks at the sea and then at his feet, moving his toes against the sand. “We could travel together. I have an entire new world to discover, after all.”

~~~

Loki was, as usual, late. Tony waited for him on the boat, using the wind and the sails to keep it more or less in the same place. Loki had taught him all he knew about sailing, which was, surprisingly, a lot. He'd spent some time following boats and ships after his people had cast him out, and even though he'd never shown himself to anyone but Tony, he had picked up quite a bit about nautics.

Tony was just rifling through his stuff in search for another hoodie – the days were getting colder – when he thought he'd heard Loki's voice, calling for him. He took on the hoodie while walking over to the railing and looking down at Loki's raft. The merman was nowhere to be seen, though; Tony couldn't even make out the silhouette of a black tail somewhere between the grey waves. What he did see, however, at least after a bit of looking around, was a black-haired head and a pair of hands, both getting swallowed by water again and again and again.

“Loki?”, Tony called, half expecting this to be one of Loki's pranks. “Hey, what are you doing?”

Loki didn't answer, and neither his head nor his arms surfaced again. Tony was overcome by a very sudden and very fucking bad feeling, and he didn't even think twice before he jumped over the railing on the raft and then into the water.

It was cold and grey and murky, and his clothes were threatening to pull him down, but he still swam toward the spot where he thought he'd seen Loki earlier. He thought that he was lucky that the ocean was calm today, and that he'd scream at Loki for an hour when this was really a prank.

It wasn't a prank, as it turned out. At least it didn't look like one, and actually Tony wasn't even thinking about that anymore when he saw Loki underwater, struggling to reach the surface, his arms and legs – honest to god _legs_ what the fuck – flailing around helplessly.

Ten minutes later, Tony maneuvered Loki onto the raft, where Loki immediately fell to his side, coughing and spitting, while Tony held onto the wood for dear life and stared at man who had, and Tony was very sure about that, been a merman when he'd seen him the last time.

“The fuck, Loki, hey, are you -”

More words tumbled from Tony's lips as he hauled himself onto the raft, gasping for breath himself. Loki was curled up to a ball, still wheezing, and Tony skittered over to him and got his hands on his body, trying to get him into a position in which he could breathe without problems. He brushed Loki's wet hair out of his face, wide eyes sliding over Loki's body while he tried to understand _what the hell was going on._

No scales. No gills. No fins. _Legs._ An ass, even, thighs and shins and feet and toes where they shouldn't be, where they _hadn't been_ before.

“Loki! Hey, come on, can you – It's alright, you're okay, you're fine. Can you breathe? What do you need me to do? Fuck, what -”

A hand reached out and grabbed Tony's wrist, interrupting him. Tony stared down at Loki, who was still breathing harshly, but not nearly as erratic anymore, and who was looking up at him out of eyes that were the same as always. His smile was the same as always, too, only more tired and strained.

“Fine”, Loki said, or rather rasped, tapping Tony's hand in what was probably supposed to be a calming manner. “I'm fine.”

“Fine? What the hell happened? How did this even – how does this _work_? What did you do?”

“I got legs”, Loki stated the obvious, trying to lift said limbs but only managing to make them jerk a little.

“Legs”, Tony repeated flatly. “Yeah, right. I can see that.”

Loki blinked up at him and after a moment propped himself up on his elbows. “Are you alright?”

“Am I – Loki, you almost _drowned._ You. Drowned. Just now. Five minutes ago. How – _What_ did you _do_?”

Loki made a sound that he might have intended to be laugh, but it only sounded like a rattling caw. He let himself fall back again, his chest still heaving with troubled breaths. He was smiling, though, grinning like a madman.

“I spoke to my mother”, he said, “about everything. She's a witch.” He made a weak gesture at his lower body. “Legs.”

“Legs.”

“Yes.”

Slowly, very slowly, it began to dawn on Tony. He lost the ability to speak for a very long moment. He just stared down on Loki who stared up at him and so they both stared at each other, Tony with a look of utter bafflement on his face while the look in Loki's eyes got more amused and smug and also a bit worried with every second.

“Tony?”, he asked eventually. “Are you still with me?”

Tony swallowed slowly. Forming words didn't come naturally to him anymore, all of a sudden. “You – You did this because.... for -”

“You”, Loki filled in.

“Oh.”

Another long moment passed. “Tony”, Loki said then, his tone somewhere between amused and concerned. “You're scaring me. I don't think this is reversible.”

Tony wasn't even listening. “You want to stay with me”, he said, just to be absolutely clear.

“Yes”, Loki answered slowly, but firmly. “Yes, of course.”

“You want to come with me.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay”, Tony breathed. His hands were on Loki's chest, suddenly, driven by the need to touch him, and he realized that Loki was trembling all over. “Okay. God, I – I don't know what to say. Are you cold? You look cold. I have a blanket somewhere, I can -”

“Tony”, Loki interrupted him softly, already reaching out to him. “Tony, come here.”

Somehow, they hugged, in a position that was uncomfortable as hell but didn't make it any less nice. They were both shaking, Loki because he was obviously freezing and Tony because he felt as if he was falling apart in the best of ways. He pulled away after what could have very well been an eternity and rubbed his face with his sleeve, trying to dry his eyes.

“Okay”, he said, not even caring that his voice sounded weak and watery. He slung his arms around Loki to help him sit up. “Come on. Let's get you into the boat, god, you're ice cold. You've never been so cold before. Blanket, I wanted to get that blanket. I think I don't have any more clothes here and mine are wet, but – legs, _legs_ , what the hell, I think I'm going mad. We should get you dry and then -”

“Tony. Rambling.”

“Sorry.”

~~~

Tony buys a house in Malibu, in the end, along with a private beach and a spectacular view of the ocean.

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on [tumblr](https://amidnight--dreary.tumblr.com/), if you want! :)


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